Wednesday, June 3, 2015

A Letter to Rowan, 7 Months

Dear Rowan,

Good thing I'm back-dating this letter so later in life you won't know just how late I was in getting around to writing it. Sorry, Bear.

Where is my infant going? Robot, you are changing every single day. You are sitting up on your own, albeit a bit wobbly but sitting up none the less. You love to play and babble and you LOVE to eat. You are a solid foods rock star with a love of blueberries, squash, kale, and chick peas. I love making your food and watching you try bites of new things. Though you are chomping down on solids, you still nurse like a champ. 

I think this every month but I'm so grateful to work-from-home so I can spend my time with you. Even though things have been crazy and I feel pangs of guilt that I work too much, I'm here with you and that makes me happy. I never thought I'd be an attachment parent but here we are seven months in. You still sleep in my room, snoozing in your bed until after your nighttime feeding and then hopping into bed with me. I used to beat myself up about it but I'm realizing that we do what works for us. Maybe after you're done teething your crazy mother will get you into your own room.I never thought about how hard that part of parenting, where I let you go a little, would be. Life is a learning process for both of us.

Speaking of teething...woof. You have been a cranky, crying droolbot. We've given you amber necklaces, cold fruit, massages, and just try our best to distract you from your pain. It breaks my momma heart to see you hurting and know there isn't much I can do. A few nights in a row you woke up in the middle of the night wailing. Nursing, rocking, back rubs--nothing made you feel better. I was literally holding my eyes open to stay awake with you. I gave you a bit of Tylenol and rocked you in my arms for an hour until you finally fell asleep. I promise that I will always be here when you hurt and I will always do what I can to make it better. Pinkie swear.

When you are not in teething pain, you are a happy boy. You love to laugh and smile and you are a beam of light. You love your exersaucer, your dog, your grandparents, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and fart noises. We celebrated your baptism and my heart was so big spending the day celebrating you with people we love (and donuts). You are still pretty social but you have your moments when you only want mommy and daddy. You love car rides (though you hate the process of being put in your car seat). You are still soothed by songs I listened to when you were in my belly and I get excited thinking about how you'll develop your own tastes for movies and music in the near future. You and I sill do sign language lessons at home and I can't wait for you to sign back soon.

I believe in letting you get messy and love watching you explore new textures and materials. I always let you "make soup" at dinner...basically I give you a spoon and a bowl of water to do with what you wish. I encourage you to explore and experience every possible thing. Messes can always be cleaned up later (don't use that against me when you track mud in the house and I nag in a few years).

You and I celebrated our first Mother's Day together and I couldn't help but get sappy that this was a day that used to be so difficult for me and now here we are. For years I dreamed of you and wanted so badly to hold you in my arms and it's never lost on me how lucky I am. Years of tears and internal struggle were worth it because my baby boy is here. You are beautiful and sweet and snuggly and more than I could have ever dreamed of. I know no one is really perfect but to me, you're as close as it gets.

Thank you for making me a mom, Rowan. I'm looking forward to your first vacation (Florida!), teaching you to swim, and watching your face when you see fireworks for the first time. To more days and months of magic, snuggles, and drooly baby kisses.