About Being the Mom in Photos.

I've chattered on before about how I've never been one for being in photos. I've hidden my body behind things, covered my face, shied away from the camera. 

I regret so many of those photos untaken, memories that weren't logged into a visual catalog, moments wasted thinking I wasn't deserving of being in a photo.

It's different now. I refuse to sit back and miss out on opportunities to be in photos with my baby boy.Where I used to see hair out of place, under eye circles, wrinkles, bodily imperfections, and more I now see someone who is loved, someone who is happy to spend 1am rocking a baby back to sleep, someone who has worked hard to shut down that inner criticism that ruled her mentality for too many years. I see someone who takes chances, who loves fully, who hugs tightly, who laughs loudly.

I see someone who is happy.

I'm learning to love myself, flaws and all, one photograph at a time.

A Letter to Rowan, 2 Months.

Dear Rowan,

Originally I had set out to write these letters to you every single month of your life. I was going to start composing the first when we got home from the hospital and then add to it as we learned more about one another. But I was so busy soaking in every minute with you (and, honestly, a little sleep deprived) and I didn't find a minute to put together a letter when you turned one month. I promise this won't be the only time I disappoint you.

So, here we are at two months and life with you is indescribable. I know every mom thinks their baby is the best baby but, dude, you are THE best baby. Unless your tummy hurts, your tears are easily stopped with a tight snuggle, some milk, or gentle shushing (you love to be shushed...I promise you will outgrow that and sometimes I feel rude doing it to you). You are not a sleeper, you prefer lots of tiny naps and you have quite the little appetite. You were born at 7.6 pounds and 19.5 inches, now you are 10.11 pounds and 22.5 inches! You are a big, growing boy and I am so proud of how strong you are. You hold your head up like a champ and I have a feeling you are going to be attempting to crawl much before you should. 

Your village, as I like to call our family and friends, love you so much. Jackie asks to hold you immediately when you two are in the same room and gently whispers little things to you. "You are my cousin. I love you. You are a little baby." Charlie drew you a picture just because and it hangs on our fridge. Gavin and Tyler love to hold you, too, and give you lots of kisses. For Christmas they surprised you with a Build-a-Bear (the one in the picture above) named Rex...seriously, how cute is that for my Babysaurus? They each have the same teddy bear, theirs are weathered from years of cuddles and I can't wait to see yours grow up with you too. Grandma and Grandpa are already planning for your first sleepover and a summer of fun with you. Your aunties and uncles spoil you rotten. I can't even list everyone who does special things for you. You are so, so loved.

You also met Santa this Christmas and someday I'll tell you who that actually was and how special that moment was. Your first Christmas was magical in that you were a-okay with being passed around and fawned over. You were alert and enjoyed the extra cuddles.

Your daily smiles and coos are plentiful and I can't wait to hear you laugh for the first time. Your happiest time of day is early in the morning. You and I usually wake up around 5am, I feed you, and then change your diaper while you coo. I get you dressed--one of my favorite things ever--and you usually kick around and make happy sounds while I sing you silly songs. Things that usually guarantee a smile: goofy faces, when mommy lightly tickles your belly, when mommy and daddy sing crazy songs in weird voices, and when we pretend to eat your feet. You could take or leave Violet's kisses but love to watch her throw her toys around the room and she's incredibly protective of you. You could also lay on your changing pad and stare at your animal mobile for hours (best $4 at IKEA I ever spent).

Up until this week you were sleeping in our bed at night but I decided I needed to get you into your bassinet and started training you. I was so worried about making the transition but you are handling it with ease. I miss having you sleep on my chest but I know this is what's best for us (plus I still steal you for cuddly naps during the day). Your bedtime routine is one of my absolute favorite times of day. At 9pm when do a bath or wipe you down with a warm cloth, do a gentle massage, put on cuddly jammies, and then you and I go upstairs so you can eat. Afterward you get swaddled, Daddy says goodnight to you and turns out the light, and I rock you to sleep with a whole lotta shushing. You used to hate being swaddled, and you still fight it at first, but once you settle into it you relax. It makes me realize how you are growing and changing everyday and it makes me all melty inside.

 Two nights ago you slept for four hours in a row--your longest stretch ever--in your bassinet and I was so proud of you. I'm still proud of you. Every toot and smile and sneeze and grasp of my finger makes me proud of you. I never knew it was possible to be so in love with someone. 

Your bond with Daddy is growing every single day and my heart grows three sizes every time I watch the two of you play and when I hear him call you buddy and bubba and baby boy. When he gets home from work the two of you have cuddle time while Daddy unwinds from his work day. Also, you have a billion nicknames (Ro, RoRo, Robo Cop, Robot, RoboBoy, Bubba, Bubba Bear, Baby Bear, seriously a billion). I'm sure that the older you get the more embarrassing you'll think our many nicknames are but isn't that what parents are supposed to do?

I love you more and more everyday and I can't wait to see what the month ahead brings. 

XOXO, 

Mommy

Baby Talk: What I've Learned So Far.

I've been a parent for all of the blink of an eye and I already feel like I've learned a TON. Every day seems to bring a new challenge, a new lesson, a deeper love than I thought possible. I tried to keep my pre-baby expectations pretty realistic (no, I never thought I'd spend maternity leave whipping up gourmet meals and learning Japanese) but I still felt in over my head at times.

Parenting is an area where I love to hear what works for other people and where I feel like opening a conversation can be insanely helpful so I thought I'd share some things I've learned over the last 9 weeks with the tiny love of my life as a new breastfeeding mom who had an unexpected C-section.

My story is my own. 
 I never expected to be induced or have a c-section. I planned to go into labor at home have this beautiful, traditional delivery and skip the surgery. As my due date came and went, I went to sleep every night hoping to wake up to my broken water. I didn't get that. Shit happens.For the first few weeks, I felt so disappointed in how things happened. I didn't get my rush-to-the-hospital moment. After eleven hours of labor, I didn't get to push. I felt like there was judgement on me because I had a c-section. I had someone ask if I had a "real delivery or a c-section" insinuating I didn't give birth rather than I had surgery. I'm so grateful for my healthy, happy baby but it broke my heart not to bring him into the world the way I had planned and it shattered my feelings when people didn't realize how their words impacted me.

But my story is mine. My baby could have gotten hurt in a vaginal birth. My belly scar is my reminder that I did give birth, I brought a beautiful life into this world, I was strong. I'm not any less of a mom because things happened differently for me.
 
There are never enough hours in the day.
 Two things that used to be mine are not anymore: my time and my boobs. With a newborn I had NO idea that you really spend every single second on someone else's timetable. Even at two months Rowan is a grazer and a nap-fighter so much of my time revolves around feeding him every 1.5-2 hours and trying to lull him into a nap. Then you add pumping into that? Aye carumba. Long gone are the days where I would wake up early, get in a 12 or 13 hour work day, make dinner, and paint my nails while watching Netflix. Gone are the Saturdays where we'd just decide to go "find something to do" and drive around until we found somewhere to shop or eat or play. I have to schedule things around the baby's feedings and naps and make sure not to pack too much activity in as not to overstimulate him.

I'm still getting adjusted to having a schedule but not having a routine, to structuring my day around things I can't control. It takes time to get used to but I'm trying. Also, side note, pumping is a pain in the ass but it opened up my world a bit. Having a bottle in the fridge means I can take a long shower or run to get groceries or work without worrying that Ro will go hungry.

It's okay to feel like shit.
 Real talk: I had the baby blues and they are no joke. I felt blue for about three weeks postpartum and I didn't expect to at all. I thought I'd be blissed out because I had such a wonderful pregnancy and was so ready to be a mom. But those crazy hormones and recovering from surgery and never sleeping created a recipe for the baby blues. I had read about women who feel no connection to their baby or resent motherhood or can't stop crying or think violent things....that was NOT me. More than anything, I felt emotional. I missed being pregnant and being the only one who had a deep connection with Rowan. I felt like I wasn't doing a good job as a mom because I didn't know what I was doing. Anything could send me into a cry jag. I felt ugly and fat and I was physically hurting from surgery recovery. I was alone much of the day and breastfeeding took a lot of time to learn and I felt so overwhelmed. I would say I spent 80% of the time happy, 20% blue. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I was dealing with the baby blues. I felt like I was being selfish. I was so happy to have my beautiful baby but I felt like nothing I was doing was good enough and that I should be better at being a mom.

It passed, luckily, as my hormones evened out and my c-section incision healed (once you can laugh or sneeze or pee without crying about how much it hurts your whole world is brighter!) and I realized no new parent knows what they are doing. It was okay for me to feel overwhelmed (I still do sometimes) and hormonal and miss being pregnant. My pregnancy was magical and I know I'll never feel Rowan's tiny kicks from inside of my belly again. It's okay to miss it.

A support system is vital.
I have an amazing family who help me out constantly from babysitting during my work day to bringing us dinner to sleeping over once a week to help out with Rowan. I relied heavily on their help and advice (still do!) and it makes this whole "being a new parent with a tiny human life in my hands" so much easier.

I also lucked out that a couple of friends had babies around the same time I did. Texting during middle of the night feedings or asking what nap techniques work best for their babies or just venting about what a dummy my husband can be (sorry, Rhyno) has made motherhood easier already. It takes a village to raise a baby and a village to make a new mom not feel like she is screwing everything up.

This too shall pass.
I knew parenting would have its own challenges and promised Rowan when he was in my belly to do anything I can to make his life happy and healthy. The more comfortable I become in my still new role as a mom, the more joy there is in every single day. I have been so in love with Rowan since the second I saw his face and I am so grateful to be his mom, the beauty outweighs the challenges. I was told how magical motherhood is and I still can't believe it. I can't believe how much I love him and even when I try for hours to get him to sleep, I miss him when he's been asleep too long.

Having the responsibility of forming his world is a lot of pressure but I know I'll blink and he'll be an adult. I know in just a couple years when he's telling me "no!" and doesn't want to hold my hand when crossing the street, I'll miss being bleary eyed at 2am rocking him. People aren't kidding when they say parenthood is the most challenging, rewarding, and wonderful job there is.

Are you a parent? Any wisdom to pass along?