A Letter to Rowan, 9 Months.

 Dear Rowan,

You’re NINE months! You’ve almost officially been on Earth longer than you were in my tummy and that makes me feel all the feelings.

You celebrated your first 4th of July and you saw fireworks for the first time. Your face lit up and your little noise protector headphones made you look like a tiny DJ. We had a block party and, man, you love watching big kids. When you are more mobile I know you'll be tearing it up with all your friends in the neighborhood (including your future BFF who is due September 23rd, Mommy's BFF is having a baby boy!).

You went on your very first vacation! We went to Tennessee and Florida and you were a freaking rock star. You are truly a kid who works best when we don’t impose a strict schedule, your vacation days were filled with adventures and really good naps and seeing lots of new things and sleeping really well at nighth. You saw the ocean for very first time and it was crazy magical. You flapped your hands and smiled your big smile when we got to the beach….then you got splashed with some salty water and you were very over it. You also went in a swimming pool for the first time and you are quite the little fish. When we got home we kept waiting for you to realize that vacation was over and you were back to your boring, old routine and pitch a fit but you didn’t. You take to change pretty well in that way.

You’re still partially co-sleeping. It works best for you and for me though I am slowly transitioning you to your crib for longer naps and bigger chunks of time at night. I laugh when I think about how I was so adamant that at six months you’d be in your own room full time. You still nurse quite a bit at night (you're usually up at least twice between 9:30pm and 7am) and you are the world’s lightest sleeper (we started having to take Violet's collar off at bedtime because she kept waking you up with all her jingling and jangling), but I have no doubt you’ll be hanging in your crib by yourself before month’s end.

It’s crazy to me to think about how different you’ll be by the end of the month because I feel like you’ve completely changed in the last few weeks. You are CRAWLING! You’re an army crawler so you look a bit like a tiny zombie but, boy, you are on the move. You sit up on your own and love to hang out on the fluffy rug in the front room surrounded by toys and Violet. Daddy and I have started doing more activities with you like finger painting and little puzzles. You are in this really cool, exploratory stage where you like to feel and see and listen to everything. You love to run your hands over the wooly sheep in your Feel & Read farm animal book and you turn every object over and over in your little hands. You are a big Sesame Street fan and your face lights up when you hear Mickey Mouse's voice. You and I listen to lots of music and your favorites seem to be Murder By Death (much to Daddy's pleasant surprise) and Elvis. Daddy and I bought this little indie band's (Saintseneca) album at a concert a couple months ago and you smile when you hear the clap-clap-clap of the first track fill up the kitchen.

You are still toothless but you are trying new foods—both pureed and just cut up—all over the place. You love Cheerios and start every morning in your high chair feeding yourself bits of bananas and Cheerios while Daddy and I start our day. This time last year you were in my belly and now I'm handing you little plates with dinosaurs on them so you can feed yourself sweet potatoes. Time flies.

Sometimes I look at you and just realize how big you are now, what a personality you have. You are just a sweet kid, you love to snuggle and you have the best laugh. But you seem to feel things to the core of your being--when you are happy, everyone knows it and when you are unhappy...woof...everyone knows that too. You are the master of the hold-your-breath screamfest and sometimes all you want is your Momma. That's okay because sometimes all I want is you, too. 

A few days before you were born I downloaded this app to track all your diaper changes and feedings. I was crazy about it (ask any babysitter, who had to write time what time you were changed and what was in the diaper or what time you ate and how many ounces and how long it took). When you transitioned to eat more solids, I kept up with the tracker and religiously logged all of your bites into it. A couple weeks ago, realizing that it took up a lot of space on my phone (terrible) and you weren't as unpredictable anymore so I deleted it. It's so weird but it felt like the end of your infancy and the beginning of you being a baby. You're not nursing constantly anymore so I don't need to time it and I don't panic anymore if you haven't had a wet diaper in the last couple hours. I feel like it's a small sign that we are in the swing of things. You're my baby and I'm your mom. We've kind of got the hang of this now.

To another month of firsts and changes and milestones and getting closer and closer to your very first birthday. I love you, Bear. 

XOXO, 

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 3 Months.

Dear Rowan,

Last week you sailed into your third month of life and I can't even believe how quickly this is all going by. I told Daddy that it feels like you were always here and also like I just gave birth to you a few days ago. Everything is becoming routine but everything is new. You look like a different boy! Over the last four weeks you have grown longer and filled out (those cheeks are pinchable and those thighs are to live for). I look at photos from Christmas and it's crazy to me how different (and skinny!) you looked then. You are growing out of clothes and hats faster than my heart can take.

Your little personality is really starting to form and, I have to say, I'm absolutely in love. You are generally a very happy baby full of loud coos and big smiles. I have been counting the minutes until I hear you laugh for the first time because I know it'll be a big belly laugh. You are such a little morning person and it has quickly become my favorite time of day. Around 5am you begin trying to break out of your swaddle and I unwrap you to change your diaper and feed you. Afterward I let you cuddle me in bed until I get up. When I lay down to fall asleep I look forward to that hour where you and I snuggle and I watch you sleep. Last weekend I fell asleep snuggling you and I woke up to your cooing at me and smiling. It felt like you knew it was time to start a new day and you were just happy to be together.

You have officially discovered your hands, constantly chewing and wringing them out. You stick your tongue out like a little lizard and you are a spit bubble machine. You are also an old pro at holding your head up and with my help you can go from a laying position to (wobbly, bobbly) standing. I feel like you are going to scoot right past crawling and run circles around me.

I'm proud to say you have become a bedtime champion and it's almost like you recognize your routine now. At 8pm when I bring you to the bath or to your changing table (depending on the day), it seems like you have an idea that it's time for eating then snuggling then sleeping. You sleep good three hour stretches most nights (which is a dream to this mom of a cat napper!!). You have outgrown your bassinet napper and I am moving you to the bigger area of your sleeper. It makes me realize just how fast you're growing. The first night you came home I put you in that napper and you looked so itty bitty, like it could swallow you up. Now you've become too tall for it and can't sleep there comfortably. My heart aches knowing that the next big transition will be to your crib in your own room. I bet you I will sleep on the floor next to you for as long as Daddy allows it.

Speaking of transitions, Daddy's work schedule changed and now he takes care of you during the day while I work. I'm so happy that you two have a few hours of strictly guy time and it melts me to come downstairs to find you both napping or to overhear him singing to you while he changes your diaper.  You and I are on our own for the afternoon and evening now, which took some adjusting to, but I'm kind of loving it. After Daddy leaves you and I do our daily sign language lesson (I am rocking it, you have little interest at this point), sing songs, read books, do tummy time, and play in your room. You're becoming more independent and you are happy to sit in your bouncy seat in the kitchen while I make dinner. I hold up all the vegetables and tell you what they are and when you'll be able to try them. I kind of can't wait for you to have tofu for the first time and see if you love blueberries and watch you taste a lemon.

You are getting old enough for adventures. For the first time ever, I took you in the car by myself a couple of weeks ago (I was too afraid before). Our world has opened up! Last week I packed you up and we drove out to my hometown to visit your Great Grandma at the beauty shop she owns. We visited and the ladies loved on you and it made my heart swell to see how loved you are and hear everyone say how much your GG brags about you and how proud she is of you. It was also quite a trip driving you past my old elementary school and by the house I grew up in. I can't wait for the weather to warm up to see what other mischief you and I can get into. We also started planning your very first vacation to Florida this summer to see Uncle Patrick and Auntie Alley--I'm so excited to take you to the beach and Harry Potter World and help you collect sea shells.

You had your first sleepover at Gramma and Grandpa's house this weekend and you were a champ. They reported lots of playing and you slept like an angel. I missed you so much throughout the night (I even had a dream you were stirring and when I woke up I had your pacifier in my hand) but I'm proud that you did such a great job. It makes me excited for your future sleepovers when they can take you sledding and to see movies and make crafts with you. Gramma also gave you the Cabbage Patch doll I got for Christmas in 1985. I named her Molly, but feel free to change it. I hope you love her as much as I have, There's something very magical about giving you the special toys that I loved so much as a kid.

You are at the age where you are changing every. single. day. I'm excited to see your personality continue to develop and I'm trying my best to cherish every day since I'm realizing just how fast all of this happens--I looked at a photo of you from a few hours after you were born and I felt a little pang in my heart. You were so tiny, so delicate, so new.As you napped on my chest yesterday I watched your little chest move up and down with your breath and your little fingers softly twitch in your sleep. I got misty eyed thinking that before I know it you'll be a big boy who doesn't fit so easily in my arms. I promise, though, I will always have a hug and a snuggle for you.

Baby Bear, you are my tiniest best friend and the person I love to spend my days with. I would do anything for you and I hope I'm making good on the promises I made you while you were in my belly to ensure you had the happiest life possible. Daddy and I love you so much and I'm serious when I say every day with you is such a gift (even when you are a bear). 

Looking forward to the minutes, days, and months ahead. I love you, Robo Boy. 

XOXO, 

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 2 Months.

Dear Rowan,

Originally I had set out to write these letters to you every single month of your life. I was going to start composing the first when we got home from the hospital and then add to it as we learned more about one another. But I was so busy soaking in every minute with you (and, honestly, a little sleep deprived) and I didn't find a minute to put together a letter when you turned one month. I promise this won't be the only time I disappoint you.

So, here we are at two months and life with you is indescribable. I know every mom thinks their baby is the best baby but, dude, you are THE best baby. Unless your tummy hurts, your tears are easily stopped with a tight snuggle, some milk, or gentle shushing (you love to be shushed...I promise you will outgrow that and sometimes I feel rude doing it to you). You are not a sleeper, you prefer lots of tiny naps and you have quite the little appetite. You were born at 7.6 pounds and 19.5 inches, now you are 10.11 pounds and 22.5 inches! You are a big, growing boy and I am so proud of how strong you are. You hold your head up like a champ and I have a feeling you are going to be attempting to crawl much before you should. 

Your village, as I like to call our family and friends, love you so much. Jackie asks to hold you immediately when you two are in the same room and gently whispers little things to you. "You are my cousin. I love you. You are a little baby." Charlie drew you a picture just because and it hangs on our fridge. Gavin and Tyler love to hold you, too, and give you lots of kisses. For Christmas they surprised you with a Build-a-Bear (the one in the picture above) named Rex...seriously, how cute is that for my Babysaurus? They each have the same teddy bear, theirs are weathered from years of cuddles and I can't wait to see yours grow up with you too. Grandma and Grandpa are already planning for your first sleepover and a summer of fun with you. Your aunties and uncles spoil you rotten. I can't even list everyone who does special things for you. You are so, so loved.

You also met Santa this Christmas and someday I'll tell you who that actually was and how special that moment was. Your first Christmas was magical in that you were a-okay with being passed around and fawned over. You were alert and enjoyed the extra cuddles.

Your daily smiles and coos are plentiful and I can't wait to hear you laugh for the first time. Your happiest time of day is early in the morning. You and I usually wake up around 5am, I feed you, and then change your diaper while you coo. I get you dressed--one of my favorite things ever--and you usually kick around and make happy sounds while I sing you silly songs. Things that usually guarantee a smile: goofy faces, when mommy lightly tickles your belly, when mommy and daddy sing crazy songs in weird voices, and when we pretend to eat your feet. You could take or leave Violet's kisses but love to watch her throw her toys around the room and she's incredibly protective of you. You could also lay on your changing pad and stare at your animal mobile for hours (best $4 at IKEA I ever spent).

Up until this week you were sleeping in our bed at night but I decided I needed to get you into your bassinet and started training you. I was so worried about making the transition but you are handling it with ease. I miss having you sleep on my chest but I know this is what's best for us (plus I still steal you for cuddly naps during the day). Your bedtime routine is one of my absolute favorite times of day. At 9pm when do a bath or wipe you down with a warm cloth, do a gentle massage, put on cuddly jammies, and then you and I go upstairs so you can eat. Afterward you get swaddled, Daddy says goodnight to you and turns out the light, and I rock you to sleep with a whole lotta shushing. You used to hate being swaddled, and you still fight it at first, but once you settle into it you relax. It makes me realize how you are growing and changing everyday and it makes me all melty inside.

 Two nights ago you slept for four hours in a row--your longest stretch ever--in your bassinet and I was so proud of you. I'm still proud of you. Every toot and smile and sneeze and grasp of my finger makes me proud of you. I never knew it was possible to be so in love with someone. 

Your bond with Daddy is growing every single day and my heart grows three sizes every time I watch the two of you play and when I hear him call you buddy and bubba and baby boy. When he gets home from work the two of you have cuddle time while Daddy unwinds from his work day. Also, you have a billion nicknames (Ro, RoRo, Robo Cop, Robot, RoboBoy, Bubba, Bubba Bear, Baby Bear, seriously a billion). I'm sure that the older you get the more embarrassing you'll think our many nicknames are but isn't that what parents are supposed to do?

I love you more and more everyday and I can't wait to see what the month ahead brings. 

XOXO, 

Mommy

Baby Talk: What I've Learned So Far.

I've been a parent for all of the blink of an eye and I already feel like I've learned a TON. Every day seems to bring a new challenge, a new lesson, a deeper love than I thought possible. I tried to keep my pre-baby expectations pretty realistic (no, I never thought I'd spend maternity leave whipping up gourmet meals and learning Japanese) but I still felt in over my head at times.

Parenting is an area where I love to hear what works for other people and where I feel like opening a conversation can be insanely helpful so I thought I'd share some things I've learned over the last 9 weeks with the tiny love of my life as a new breastfeeding mom who had an unexpected C-section.

My story is my own. 
 I never expected to be induced or have a c-section. I planned to go into labor at home have this beautiful, traditional delivery and skip the surgery. As my due date came and went, I went to sleep every night hoping to wake up to my broken water. I didn't get that. Shit happens.For the first few weeks, I felt so disappointed in how things happened. I didn't get my rush-to-the-hospital moment. After eleven hours of labor, I didn't get to push. I felt like there was judgement on me because I had a c-section. I had someone ask if I had a "real delivery or a c-section" insinuating I didn't give birth rather than I had surgery. I'm so grateful for my healthy, happy baby but it broke my heart not to bring him into the world the way I had planned and it shattered my feelings when people didn't realize how their words impacted me.

But my story is mine. My baby could have gotten hurt in a vaginal birth. My belly scar is my reminder that I did give birth, I brought a beautiful life into this world, I was strong. I'm not any less of a mom because things happened differently for me.
 
There are never enough hours in the day.
 Two things that used to be mine are not anymore: my time and my boobs. With a newborn I had NO idea that you really spend every single second on someone else's timetable. Even at two months Rowan is a grazer and a nap-fighter so much of my time revolves around feeding him every 1.5-2 hours and trying to lull him into a nap. Then you add pumping into that? Aye carumba. Long gone are the days where I would wake up early, get in a 12 or 13 hour work day, make dinner, and paint my nails while watching Netflix. Gone are the Saturdays where we'd just decide to go "find something to do" and drive around until we found somewhere to shop or eat or play. I have to schedule things around the baby's feedings and naps and make sure not to pack too much activity in as not to overstimulate him.

I'm still getting adjusted to having a schedule but not having a routine, to structuring my day around things I can't control. It takes time to get used to but I'm trying. Also, side note, pumping is a pain in the ass but it opened up my world a bit. Having a bottle in the fridge means I can take a long shower or run to get groceries or work without worrying that Ro will go hungry.

It's okay to feel like shit.
 Real talk: I had the baby blues and they are no joke. I felt blue for about three weeks postpartum and I didn't expect to at all. I thought I'd be blissed out because I had such a wonderful pregnancy and was so ready to be a mom. But those crazy hormones and recovering from surgery and never sleeping created a recipe for the baby blues. I had read about women who feel no connection to their baby or resent motherhood or can't stop crying or think violent things....that was NOT me. More than anything, I felt emotional. I missed being pregnant and being the only one who had a deep connection with Rowan. I felt like I wasn't doing a good job as a mom because I didn't know what I was doing. Anything could send me into a cry jag. I felt ugly and fat and I was physically hurting from surgery recovery. I was alone much of the day and breastfeeding took a lot of time to learn and I felt so overwhelmed. I would say I spent 80% of the time happy, 20% blue. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I was dealing with the baby blues. I felt like I was being selfish. I was so happy to have my beautiful baby but I felt like nothing I was doing was good enough and that I should be better at being a mom.

It passed, luckily, as my hormones evened out and my c-section incision healed (once you can laugh or sneeze or pee without crying about how much it hurts your whole world is brighter!) and I realized no new parent knows what they are doing. It was okay for me to feel overwhelmed (I still do sometimes) and hormonal and miss being pregnant. My pregnancy was magical and I know I'll never feel Rowan's tiny kicks from inside of my belly again. It's okay to miss it.

A support system is vital.
I have an amazing family who help me out constantly from babysitting during my work day to bringing us dinner to sleeping over once a week to help out with Rowan. I relied heavily on their help and advice (still do!) and it makes this whole "being a new parent with a tiny human life in my hands" so much easier.

I also lucked out that a couple of friends had babies around the same time I did. Texting during middle of the night feedings or asking what nap techniques work best for their babies or just venting about what a dummy my husband can be (sorry, Rhyno) has made motherhood easier already. It takes a village to raise a baby and a village to make a new mom not feel like she is screwing everything up.

This too shall pass.
I knew parenting would have its own challenges and promised Rowan when he was in my belly to do anything I can to make his life happy and healthy. The more comfortable I become in my still new role as a mom, the more joy there is in every single day. I have been so in love with Rowan since the second I saw his face and I am so grateful to be his mom, the beauty outweighs the challenges. I was told how magical motherhood is and I still can't believe it. I can't believe how much I love him and even when I try for hours to get him to sleep, I miss him when he's been asleep too long.

Having the responsibility of forming his world is a lot of pressure but I know I'll blink and he'll be an adult. I know in just a couple years when he's telling me "no!" and doesn't want to hold my hand when crossing the street, I'll miss being bleary eyed at 2am rocking him. People aren't kidding when they say parenthood is the most challenging, rewarding, and wonderful job there is.

Are you a parent? Any wisdom to pass along?