A Letter to Rowan, 12 Months.

Dear Rowan,

You're one year old! It's crazy to me how quickly the time flew by, but I also feel like I always knew you. It's hard for me to remember what my life was like without you in it--I think I took more showers and worked a lot? I can't be sure. 

I can remember the day you were born vividly and recalling it brings happy tears to my eyes. After spending nine months basking in pregnancy magic and surprising everyone by not freaking out about childbirth, I was wheeled into the OR and I was terrified. I shook as they hooked me up and gave me medicine. I stared nervously at the ceiling as my body went numb and I waited for your Daddy to walk into the room. Time stood still as the doctor worked to get you out (thanks, by the way, for playing jump rope with your umbilical cord and getting all tangled up, you goofball!). Then it happened. I could hear you. I couldn't see you yet, but I could hear my first baby's very first cry. The doctor said, "Are you ready? You have a beautiful baby boy!" and Daddy rushed to take your picture as they unwrapped you and cleaned you up. Nothing will ever compare and no one will ever know what that moment was like when I held you in my arms for the first time and felt your tiny body against my chest. I kept whispering, "He's here! He's here! You're here!" I waited four very long, sometimes very difficult, years for you. I would have waited a thousand more. You were, and you are, the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

You have a magical personality and you light up the room....and I'm not just saying that because I helped make you. You have the sweetest spirit and can find mischief where ever you may roam. You are a born comedian and you like to make people laugh (your newest routine involves pulling your diaper down a little bit so your butt sticks out). You give big kisses and high fives and you are always quick with a smile or a belly laugh. When you are mad, everyone knows it but luckily it usually doesn't last long. Now that you are a bit more mobile (not walking on your own yet but you are trying constantly) you are able to get into a lot of trouble! You are a curious little soul and like to try everything on your own. Daddy and I will show you how to use a toy or do a new "trick" and you delight in trying it on your own. I taught you how to dip your vegetables in hummus and now it's all you want to do! It's adorable to watch you "dip" your green beans into your pacifier. I also let you sometimes turn the porch light on at night and it is a highlight of your day. You just really like doing cool, big kid things.

You are my best pal and I love going on adventures with you--whether it's to Target to shop in the dollar section and get out of the house for an hour or taking the train into Chicago to see Sue the T-Rex at the museum. You are a great sport and will spend the entire day trekking the globe and soaking in all the sights. I promise to always take you on adventures. I love your adventurous little spirit and hope that I am giving you room to grow and I can't wait to travel ever more with you.

As I watch you get older and change, I am so proud of you. I'm proud of us. The first year of life is no joke for baby or parent. Nursing can be difficult, no one sleeps, everyone is getting used to one another. I feel like we learned everything the hard way, but it was the sweetest and most joyful experience. Those first few weeks were a learning experience but I miss them sometimes. Though, honestly, nothing compares to life with you now because you have this big personality and you make me laugh and you make me want to set great examples for you. 

You love to eat and play and watch Sesame Street and Doc McStuffins. I love learning things you like and seeing your little face light up when I show you something I know you'll love. You color with your baby crayons and love to finger paint. You still love your sign language DVDs and it's so cool to see you picking up different signs. You've learned to point and it's your favorite trick. When you point, we tell you what something is and I think it's the perfect time the teach you things. I was at the grocery store and you kept pointing to a woman so I finally asked what her name was so I could tell you, "That's the floor. That's a red apple. That's Linda, our new friend."

Last night, I rocked you for a little longer while you slept. I watched your little chest go up and down with your breath and I looked through all the photos from your first year and let the tears fall because I feel so happy and so lucky. I hope you feel happy and lucky too. I hope as parents we are teaching you to be kind and to love deeply and to expect wonderful things to happen and to be strong. I hope you always feel loved and that your quick smile is something that stays with you until you are old and gray.  Being your momma has changed me in a way I never thought possible. My heart is bigger, I love more deeply, I'm happier to be here, I appreciate what I have a little more. I mean it, you just make life really sweet.

Happy birthday, my beloved! I'm so looking forward to all the years of love and adventures and laughter and big hugs and hijinks to come. I can't wait to see you continue to grow and change in the coming years, months, weeks, days. You are my favorite favorite and the still point of my moving universe. 

XOXO, 

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 11 Months.

Dear Rowan,

Boy! In one month you will be ONE YEARS OLD. How? How did time fly by so quickly? I will save the teary, mushy look back at the day you are born for November 3 but trust me that I find myself thinking back to it almost daily. My teeny tiny newborn (who still lived in my belly this time last year!) is now a little boy with likes and dislikes and personality for days.

Oh, you are such a personality! You are loud in the best way and you laugh a lot. You still love to say Dada and you blow raspberries and raise your arms for So Big! You give the best high fives and wave your arms when we say "Yoooohooo!" You are still quite an eater and love almost everything we give you. Blueberries, pineapple, bananas, peas, and spaghetti top your list though. You also are showing more of your preferences--you light up for certain things that you love and dislike others. You are a BIG fan of Doc McStuffins (we think you have a crush, which means you have excellent taste and hello? she's a doctor!), Murray Monster on Sesame Street, your Baby Signing Time DVDs, Mommy, Daddy, and Kira the cat. You still bring your little Toothless stuffed animal everywhere and your small Cookie Monster stuffy usually goes to bed with you to snuggle.

You are moving and shaking! You are zooming all over the house and pulling yourself up on everything. I think you're going to be walking very soon because you try so hard and you have such determination.

You started signing! You mostly sign for more and (sometimes) please. You had to sign sorry a couple when you were being naughty (you made Jackie cry by knocking over his Lego tower!). I also pretended your toy remote was a phone one time and now you constantly hold it up to your ear. It's amazing to me what a little sponge you are. I try to remind myself of that and set good examples for you every day. On that thought, you and I did the Out of the Darkness Walk for suicide awareness in honor of some friends and family we've lost over the years. It was a bittersweet event and hurt my heart to see other families who have suffered too, but I was glad to spend that day with you showing you that time and strength heal you.

Bedtime was becoming a very stressful struggle and it pains me to say I had to start letting you "cry it out." I found a gentle way to do this but dang, it breaks my heart. I know it's best for you in the long run but it's so difficult to hear you cry and not run to you immediately and hold you tightly. Bedtime is getting better little by little and I have to remind myself that motherhood is about balance and teaching you to be independent. 

Here's to another month of love and laughter and raspberries and high fives. You are my favorite favorite and the light of every day. I can't believe you'll be ONE next time I write you a letter!

I love you more than anything, Bear.

XOXO, 

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 10 Months.

Dear Rowan, 

Ten crazy, delicious, wonderful, wacky months with you; how can that even be? Sometimes I look at you and think you still are this tiny peanut of a person, other times I realize just how much you've grown and how different you've become. I can't believe I'm going to write one more of these letters before we are celebrating your YEAR on Earth. Time is a beast.

Boy, what don't you do these days? You are constantly on the move and army crawling all over the place. Last night you started propping yourself up on your hands and knees and now you look like a really, little baby crawling around. You try to pull yourself up on everything (you had your first boo boo today after a spill trying to stand up by the couch) and the bathtub is your favorite place to attempt your new standing trick. It worries me that you have no fear. None. 

You are sleeping in your own bed!...most nights...We've started a routine of lavender baths, drawn curtains, and a white noise machine. Most nights you fall asleep quickly and snuggle until the wee hours of the morning. I only go in there like 84 times before I go to bed to check your breathing and let you know that I love you. I'm proud of you for taking the transition with ease. 

You are an EATER! Your favorites include: pureed pumpkin, hummus, waffles, blueberries, and whatever Mom or Dad is trying to eat. You are slowly learning how your sippy cup works and you love water. You get seriously excited at meal times and we laugh at how you dance around when you see us pull out a banana or cut up bread. We've hit a road bump with nursing but that's mostly because you are too busy to sit and nurse. We went to our first Veggie Fest together and you ate all the things! Noodles and bread and sorbet and...oof...all of it. You loved people watching and all the new tastes and sights.

Each day I really look forward to our hour of playtime before your bath. I know life won't always allow us to have one-on-one time every day to just enjoy one another so I'm really soaking it in. I read you book after book while you dig through a bin of toys. I just really love spending no-phone, quality time with you. You can now play peek-a-boo with a cloth or blanket and you put your arms up for So Big! You are stubborn about signing what you want but I have hope.

You. Said. Mama. You called out for me when Daddy was changing your diaper. You refuse to say it again, even though I desperately want you to. You love to say Dada and you babble all the time. I love hearing your tiny voice in the morning, babbling until someone wakes up for you. You are still a morning baby and you have a HUGE smile when we say good morning to you. I love how excited you get when people you love are around. You light up for Grandma and Grandpa every single time. I feel like every day is full of milestones and you are constantly changing. 

You were also sick for the very first time. You were inconsolably crabby all day and then woke up with a 102 fever. Your whole body was hot and we quickly brought you to the doctor. It was the saddest three days ever. You didn't want to play or eat or laugh; you just wanted to cry and cuddle your Mama. One day I resorted to dragging your high chair in front of the TV so you would eat peas while watching Mickey Mouse. If I can make you feel better, no matter what's wrong, I'll always try my best. I promise.

The coolest thing you do now that melts my heart? You give kisses! They are sweet, slobbery, open-mouth baby kisses and I love them. Multiple times a day I'll say, "Can I have a kiss?" and you land a big smooch on me. It melts me and I love it, and you. 

You are becoming more and more of this amazing little personality with likes and dislikes and a sense of humor. I want to both pause time and can't wait for the future because life with you is so magical.

I love you, Bear. To another month of changes, laughter, and lots of baby kisses.

XOXO, 

Mommy

Baby Talk: Teething Problems.

Here's a newsflash that will be news to no one: teething stinks.

Ro-bot has been in the midst of teething for what seems like eternity. I feel like every couple of weeks I'm announcing to the world that he is teething and then...nada. Though he is still all gums, most people have told us that this is how it goes with some kids.Some days he's a-okay and others he is les mis. During the rough days, I've been trying any and everything to help my babe find relief and rest.

 Some of my already-tried tricks:

Amber Teething Necklace/Bracelet

This seems to be the IT thing right now and in a bout of sleep-deprived desperation, I totally bought one. I'm actually not sure how much good it actually does but Ro rocks it anyway (plus how hippie cute do babies in amber necklaces look?). 

Cold fruit/teethers/anything

Our mesh chewer is one of my favorite things and when Rowan seems particularly miserable we stuff that thing full of super cold pineapple or strawberry and let him have at it. He's a fruit-asaurus so it seems to bring temporary relief/distraction. I've also tried ice cold gripe water and my little gripe-lover responded pretty well.

Nursing. Lots of nursing.

I'm very happy that Rowan is still happy to nurse and sometimes hang time with mom is the cure-all. Even though on rough nights this means I get about twenty seconds of sleep at a time...

If all else fails....Tylenol

I try hard not to pump Ro full of Tylenol after his vaccinations or teething. If there are other things that will work, I try them first but sometimes this is the answer. When his teething discomfort is at its most intense the answer is usually a warm lavender bath, a bit of Tylenol, and a bit of nursing with lots of snuggles. 

What are your best tips for dealing with teething?

A Letter to Rowan, 9 Months.

 Dear Rowan,

You’re NINE months! You’ve almost officially been on Earth longer than you were in my tummy and that makes me feel all the feelings.

You celebrated your first 4th of July and you saw fireworks for the first time. Your face lit up and your little noise protector headphones made you look like a tiny DJ. We had a block party and, man, you love watching big kids. When you are more mobile I know you'll be tearing it up with all your friends in the neighborhood (including your future BFF who is due September 23rd, Mommy's BFF is having a baby boy!).

You went on your very first vacation! We went to Tennessee and Florida and you were a freaking rock star. You are truly a kid who works best when we don’t impose a strict schedule, your vacation days were filled with adventures and really good naps and seeing lots of new things and sleeping really well at nighth. You saw the ocean for very first time and it was crazy magical. You flapped your hands and smiled your big smile when we got to the beach….then you got splashed with some salty water and you were very over it. You also went in a swimming pool for the first time and you are quite the little fish. When we got home we kept waiting for you to realize that vacation was over and you were back to your boring, old routine and pitch a fit but you didn’t. You take to change pretty well in that way.

You’re still partially co-sleeping. It works best for you and for me though I am slowly transitioning you to your crib for longer naps and bigger chunks of time at night. I laugh when I think about how I was so adamant that at six months you’d be in your own room full time. You still nurse quite a bit at night (you're usually up at least twice between 9:30pm and 7am) and you are the world’s lightest sleeper (we started having to take Violet's collar off at bedtime because she kept waking you up with all her jingling and jangling), but I have no doubt you’ll be hanging in your crib by yourself before month’s end.

It’s crazy to me to think about how different you’ll be by the end of the month because I feel like you’ve completely changed in the last few weeks. You are CRAWLING! You’re an army crawler so you look a bit like a tiny zombie but, boy, you are on the move. You sit up on your own and love to hang out on the fluffy rug in the front room surrounded by toys and Violet. Daddy and I have started doing more activities with you like finger painting and little puzzles. You are in this really cool, exploratory stage where you like to feel and see and listen to everything. You love to run your hands over the wooly sheep in your Feel & Read farm animal book and you turn every object over and over in your little hands. You are a big Sesame Street fan and your face lights up when you hear Mickey Mouse's voice. You and I listen to lots of music and your favorites seem to be Murder By Death (much to Daddy's pleasant surprise) and Elvis. Daddy and I bought this little indie band's (Saintseneca) album at a concert a couple months ago and you smile when you hear the clap-clap-clap of the first track fill up the kitchen.

You are still toothless but you are trying new foods—both pureed and just cut up—all over the place. You love Cheerios and start every morning in your high chair feeding yourself bits of bananas and Cheerios while Daddy and I start our day. This time last year you were in my belly and now I'm handing you little plates with dinosaurs on them so you can feed yourself sweet potatoes. Time flies.

Sometimes I look at you and just realize how big you are now, what a personality you have. You are just a sweet kid, you love to snuggle and you have the best laugh. But you seem to feel things to the core of your being--when you are happy, everyone knows it and when you are unhappy...woof...everyone knows that too. You are the master of the hold-your-breath screamfest and sometimes all you want is your Momma. That's okay because sometimes all I want is you, too. 

A few days before you were born I downloaded this app to track all your diaper changes and feedings. I was crazy about it (ask any babysitter, who had to write time what time you were changed and what was in the diaper or what time you ate and how many ounces and how long it took). When you transitioned to eat more solids, I kept up with the tracker and religiously logged all of your bites into it. A couple weeks ago, realizing that it took up a lot of space on my phone (terrible) and you weren't as unpredictable anymore so I deleted it. It's so weird but it felt like the end of your infancy and the beginning of you being a baby. You're not nursing constantly anymore so I don't need to time it and I don't panic anymore if you haven't had a wet diaper in the last couple hours. I feel like it's a small sign that we are in the swing of things. You're my baby and I'm your mom. We've kind of got the hang of this now.

To another month of firsts and changes and milestones and getting closer and closer to your very first birthday. I love you, Bear. 

XOXO, 

Mommy

Baby Talk: Time Flies.

Excuse my French when I say that motherhood has made me realize that the rapid passage of time is a real motherfucker. 

The other night I was playing with Ro-bot in his room, he was sitting up waving blocks and rattles all around and it just hit me, "You are not a newborn anymore." He is not the babe in the bump, kicking my belly at all hours. He is not that tiny baby they laid on my chest in the hospital. He is not the itty bitty baby who cried to eat every 45 minutes. He is not this brand new human anymore.

And where that makes me sad and I really long for just ONE more day being pregnant with him or just ONE more day with him when he was a newborn, I also look at him and just feel proud. Look at you sit and babble and feed yourself bits of bananas. Look at you crawl (!!) and roll around and pivot. He is no longer that teeny, tiny newborn but he is this really bubbly, funny, beautiful little human being. I'm realizing how quickly these moments pass and it makes me try to savor every minute. Even when the house is messy, Violet is waking the baby up, and my clothes are covered in who-knows-what, these moments pass all too quickly and I just want to drink them up. I want to press pause on the mornings when his little bedhead pops up and when he giggles at the mailman and when he does the "zombie baby" routine and when he reaches out for me...specially when he reaches out for me.

I bought a little sentence-a-day journal to keep better track of these tiny moments and I have set aside a day to work on his scrapbook so that years from now I can revisit this sweet time with him. But, ugh, time flies when life is beautiful.

How do you savor and record life's little moments?

Baby Talk: Losing Weight & Nursing Babes.

This week should be called "Nursing Talk" really...and on that note, you've been warned.

It's no secret that I'm on a quest to get healthy/lose some weight (unless you're new here and in that case hey gurl/boi, how you doin'?). Since the day Ro-w Row Row Your Boat was born I've lost a total of 54 pounds. I'm really happy that I've been successful in losing a chunk of weight (and I rue the days I ate pizza and drank wine pre-pregancy because I'm paying for it now). I have lost every pound I gained while I carried my babe but now I'm working on losing pre-pregnancy excess weight. 

What I've learned about losing weight this time around? Trying to drop pounds while nursing a baby can be a real pain in the ass. The first couple months I was always hungry, I constantly hit plateaus, and now I have to be careful that I don't go too crazy for fear of damaging my milk supply. A couple months ago I lost 5 pounds in one week...and immediately was met with a fussy babe who was NOT getting enough of the good stuff because my supply had dipped. It's this constant dance making sure to keep my supply up while hoping to see the pounds fall off. 

In researching losing weight while nursing I've come to the conclusion that slow and steady wins the race. I've gotten past the idea that I can lose 20 pounds in a month or that I can eat 900 calories a day. 

Here are some quick tips that have worked for me in losing these 54 pounds and working toward losing the next 50:

Water, Water: All. The. Time.

 Water is my favorite. Everyone knows chugging the clear stuff is awesome for you and I am happy that I instilled this habit years ago. I try to hit at least 80 ounces a day (but strive for my weight in ounces). I'm learning to stop drinking my calories--tea instead of wine, passing on sugary OJ for a cold glass of water, etc.

Gentle Movements

 I'm not someone who has ever had a hardcore workout routine (shocking, right?). I lost 18 pounds in the month before I got pregnant with Rowan and even then I was doing a bit of time on the elliptical (how magical are those things?) and walking the track at my gym at a leisurely pace. It's just about movement with me. I would love to be someone who can train with Jillian Michaels six days a week or someone who runs miles and miles every day. Right now, that's not what works for me. I use my FitBit to track steps and aim for 10,000 a day. Down the road, I'm contemplating investing in my own elliptical since the one at my gym was a beaut and it never felt like a tough workout but blasted calories.

Choose Good Calories & Keep Track

 Firstly, stick to your own calorie count. I firmly believe different people need different calorie numbers. Pre-baby weight loss, I stuck to 1,200-1,300. Now, knowing I need a few extra, I stick to 1,800 a day. It's crazy how quickly those calories can disappear when you watch what you're eating. Sure, I can have a glass of wine with toast (ugh, I love toast) OR I can have a ton of produce with a bit of hummus. I try to fill my 1,800 calories with really high nutrient things like spirulina, tofu, bananas, almond butter, fruit, steamed veggies, and hummus. I use MyFitnessPal's app to keep track of everything and I really love it--it's easy, quick, and I love the social aspect of cheering other people on (are you using MFP? What's your username, boo?).

Eat Clean, But Not TOO Clean

 I believe in treats. There I said it. Since I am nursing, I do try to fill my daily plate with lots of greens, vegan proteins, antioxidants, and "superfoods." Buuuut, sometimes I just want a salted soft pretzel. And I have one with spicy mustard. When I totally deprive myself, I always fall off the wagon. Keeping my plate mostly clean helps keep the pounds off but I allow myself to indulge too. Rhyno and I want to watch movies with the babe and order Chinese takeout on a Saturday night? I'm not killing myself over it. I let myself have that spring roll and a Sprite and sodium-laden soy sauce....but not every day. It's all about balance.

Embrace Your Bod 

The most powerful thing I've done in losing these 54 pounds is embracing my body as is. I've suffered from disordered eating and body dysmorphia my entire life and I can finally say I'm happy with myself. Sure, I wish more of my clothing fit and I wish I wasn't so jiggly but I'm happy. My body is strong and carried a healthy baby and continues to nourish said babe. I've survived grief and the awkward ugly duckling years and loss and nights spent making bad decisions. I'm working on creating an even healthier body but it takes so much stress off to just accept the one I have, too.

What are your best tips for slow and steady weight loss?

A Letter to Rowan, 8 Months.

Dear Rowan,

How are you going to be turning ONE in just four months? I'm all the cliches when I keep saying how fast time is flying.

This summer has been full of adventures for you! Grandma has the summer off so the two of you go do really fun things once or twice a week. You've played at the park, splashed in your kiddie pool, and  explored the Little Red Schoolhouse. You hate the heat but love sunshine and water. I can't wait to do even more fun summer things with you: your first Fourth of July (tomorrow!),your first road trip/vacation, Veggie Fest, and pool parties at GG's house. 

You are not crawling yet but, dang, you want to. You pivot and scoot like a champ and get frustrated when we put things out of your reach. You just really want to get going and I think you'll be tearing up this house of ours in no time. Parenthood is full of curve balls and bedtime has thrown us a big one. Once a bedtime champ, now you have nights where you resist sleep for a long time. I've accepted that you are a night owl but if you could you'd stay up until 11pm nightly. I'm working on adjusting your routine and seeing what else I can do to help you fall asleep more quickly. A couple weeks ago there was a night where it took you  4.5 hours to fall asleep. Nursing, rocking, back rubs, a warm bath, a bit of cereal...nothing worked and you were wailing. Daddy finally got you to sleep around 11:30pm when he got home from work and I felt like a failure. I couldn't get to the root of the problem and you suffered because of it.  I don't always know what I'm doing, Bear, but I promise I'm trying.

We celebrated Father's Day for the first tie and it was a wonderful day! It was so nice to appreciate Daddy (we made him a big pancake breakfast, got him a massage, and barbecued at Grandma and Grandpa's house). When we got home I found a Father's Day bib you were supposed to wear but I forgot about it. I felt like crap and then started thinking I haven't adequately documented your first year. This was apparently a month of me doubting myself as a mom. I'm working on that.

In the last month you've been in the cheering section as I ran/walked three different 5Ks. I've always wanted you to be at the finish line because it's important to me to teach you the power of being healthy (something I'm finally acting on as I near thirty). I am proud that you are already a veggie lover and can't wait to teach you how to cook and garden. I am determined to teach you how to be healthy and happy. I don't doubt that in getting myself healthy, I'm setting a great example for you.

 

To eight beautiful months with the baby love of my life. I love you Bear!

XOXO,

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 7 Months

Dear Rowan,

Good thing I'm back-dating this letter so later in life you won't know just how late I was in getting around to writing it. Sorry, Bear.

Where is my infant going? Robot, you are changing every single day. You are sitting up on your own, albeit a bit wobbly but sitting up none the less. You love to play and babble and you LOVE to eat. You are a solid foods rock star with a love of blueberries, squash, kale, and chick peas. I love making your food and watching you try bites of new things. Though you are chomping down on solids, you still nurse like a champ. 

I think this every month but I'm so grateful to work-from-home so I can spend my time with you. Even though things have been crazy and I feel pangs of guilt that I work too much, I'm here with you and that makes me happy. I never thought I'd be an attachment parent but here we are seven months in. You still sleep in my room, snoozing in your bed until after your nighttime feeding and then hopping into bed with me. I used to beat myself up about it but I'm realizing that we do what works for us. Maybe after you're done teething your crazy mother will get you into your own room.I never thought about how hard that part of parenting, where I let you go a little, would be. Life is a learning process for both of us.

Speaking of teething...woof. You have been a cranky, crying droolbot. We've given you amber necklaces, cold fruit, massages, and just try our best to distract you from your pain. It breaks my momma heart to see you hurting and know there isn't much I can do. A few nights in a row you woke up in the middle of the night wailing. Nursing, rocking, back rubs--nothing made you feel better. I was literally holding my eyes open to stay awake with you. I gave you a bit of Tylenol and rocked you in my arms for an hour until you finally fell asleep. I promise that I will always be here when you hurt and I will always do what I can to make it better. Pinkie swear.

When you are not in teething pain, you are a happy boy. You love to laugh and smile and you are a beam of light. You love your exersaucer, your dog, your grandparents, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and fart noises. We celebrated your baptism and my heart was so big spending the day celebrating you with people we love (and donuts). You are still pretty social but you have your moments when you only want mommy and daddy. You love car rides (though you hate the process of being put in your car seat). You are still soothed by songs I listened to when you were in my belly and I get excited thinking about how you'll develop your own tastes for movies and music in the near future. You and I sill do sign language lessons at home and I can't wait for you to sign back soon.

I believe in letting you get messy and love watching you explore new textures and materials. I always let you "make soup" at dinner...basically I give you a spoon and a bowl of water to do with what you wish. I encourage you to explore and experience every possible thing. Messes can always be cleaned up later (don't use that against me when you track mud in the house and I nag in a few years).

You and I celebrated our first Mother's Day together and I couldn't help but get sappy that this was a day that used to be so difficult for me and now here we are. For years I dreamed of you and wanted so badly to hold you in my arms and it's never lost on me how lucky I am. Years of tears and internal struggle were worth it because my baby boy is here. You are beautiful and sweet and snuggly and more than I could have ever dreamed of. I know no one is really perfect but to me, you're as close as it gets.

Thank you for making me a mom, Rowan. I'm looking forward to your first vacation (Florida!), teaching you to swim, and watching your face when you see fireworks for the first time. To more days and months of magic, snuggles, and drooly baby kisses.

XOXO,

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 6 Months.

Dear Rowan,

You are halfway to your first birthday. Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor.

I can't believe what a big boy you are becoming! In the last few weeks, it's like you've become a different baby. You are sitting up on your own....kind of. I set you up and you usually tip over, but you are really trying. Any moment spent on your tummy turns into an attempt to get moving. You limbs stretch and you clearly want to get going already. I'm going to blink and you'll be walking, I just know it.

You've started eating solid foods! We are slowly introducing you to new things (vegetables first, then we'll move on to fruit) and you are LOVING it. Your little eyes light up when you see me pull out your baby food containers and you love trying to feed your self (this usually ends with you and every nearby surface covered in splatters of green and orange). You've tried green beans, zucchini, sweet potatoes, jicama, and butternut squash. So far, you're a fan of all of the above (though not a fan of the noise from the blender while I make your food). I'm excited to have you try even more new foods and see if you'll be a veggie and tofu lover like me.

I'm making you a promise right now that when you are a teenager and you want to sleep until noon on the weekend, I'm going to show you video of yourself now when you never ever wanted to sleep. And I'm gonna wake you up. You are still the captain of Team No  Nap, fighting each and every one.  Most of the time you refuse to sleep but will happily play, other times we get a tiny peek at your fiery temper.Your toddler years are going to be a trip. When you don't get what you want your whole head turns bright red and there is a screaming, back-arching Hulk of a baby where my sweet little Robot once was. After witnessing a tantrum, your Grandma Debbie said, "I've never seen such a tiny baby with such a strong personality..." 97% of the time you are all smiles and giggles, 3% of the time you are enraged. I'll take it, especially because we know what the culprit is: the dreaded teething. 

Teething sucks, Bear. You are so uncomfortable and there will be times that you are juuuuust about to fall asleep and your eyes pop open and you begin pulling at your ears. You are the mayor of drool city and the doctor says we should be on alert for a pearly white popping up any time now. We've been trying everything to keep you comfortable, some days you are just not having it and all you want to do is snuggle and be sad. That's okay, that's what I'm here for. I want to make you comfortable and I hate that you're hurting.

100% of the time you are a mama's boy and, I can't even lie, I sort of love it. You are most content in my arms and we are attached at the hip. I still make sure to have other people babysit and Daddy has alone time with you before work, I love that we are partners-in-crime but I still want you to be social. You are quite the people person, smiling at everyone and flirting. You have the world's best laugh and you laugh constantly. Last week I bought a giant bubble wand and we spent an hour in the yard blowing bubbles at Violet (who chased each one like a maniac) and you laughed the whole time. Other things that induce a belly giggle? Silly faces, Mom saying "What are you doing?" in a growl, the ever popular "What what chicken butt" (which has become your legacy, everyone knows it makes you laugh), Violet doing anything, your squeaky elephant toy, pulling Daddy's beard, and Zombie. What's Zombie? You gum at Mom or Dad's face and hands and we yell "Oh no! He's a zombie!!" and you belly laugh.

In my opinion, the best thing about this age is that I feel like you are really absorbing things. When we go on adventures, whether it's to the grocery store or on a hike, you seem to really be soaking things in. You love to look around, hold things in your hands, and interact with everyone. We took our first trip to the zoo and you slept through the first half of the trip but once you woke up, you watched the animals and you were so interested in fellow zoo-goers (Daddy even got you THREE wax figures AND a stuffed river otter toy to remember the trip by). A quick trip to the pet supply store is a chance to see you experience something new. We went to get a new litter box and while passing the small animal area I realized you've never seen birds or mice up close. I wheeled our cart up to the cages so you could see and you spent a good five minutes watching and smiling and cooing. When we go to the craft store, I always hand you a piece of felt to hold on to. More and more you are becoming this wildly curious, fun, lovable little boy. I'm so looking forward to the nice weather and spending more time outside and trying new things. 

Here's to another month of coos and laughs and bubbles and adventures. I love you, Bear.

XOXO,

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 5 Months (a bit late).

Dear Rowan,

How are you five months already? Well, five months and a week because your mom was late on the letter but I digress...

I think this every month but this age is my very favorite. Your little personality is really shining through and, boy, it's a good one. I know everyone thinks their kid is the cutest and has the best temperament but I'm right when I say it. You throw one to two really good tantrums a day, but other than that? You are the most chill, happy baby I could have ever asked for. You are happy to run errands with me for a few hours, go on small road trips together, and you love to play. You and I spend a couple hours in your room every evening reading books and playing with your toys. I used to really have to run the show there but now you are content to pick up your toys and examine each one before putting it right in your mouth.

We recently went on a play date with mommy's friend Nikki and your buddy Erik and I realized then just how social you are. When we held the two of you up so you could see one another you smiled and kicked and cooed and did anything to get his attention that you could. An older woman came up to our table to comment on how cute the two of you were playing together and you turned your show on for her--cooing and swatting and whipping your rattle around while laughing. You don't mind being passed around a room full of friends and family and you love having visitors over. I think you'll be a little clown when you're older, similar to how I was as a kid.You love hanging out with people but you definitely have moments where you only want Mom. I don't mind it at all.

You had your first Easter! We colored eggs with Jackie and Charlie. Your Nana Carolyn flew all the way across the country to spend the weekend with you and I think she fell in love a little bit. The whole weekend was packed with fun and family and you were such a good boy. The Easter Bunny brought you books and a big ship-shaped kite and lots of toys. You got to spend time with both sides of your family and when your cousin Tyler held you I realized how HUGE you've gotten! You used to fit in the crook of his arm and now you take up his entire torso.

You are a little ball of wonder, you know that? I feel like, more than ever, you are changing and learning and developing a new skill every few minutes. I was flipping through photos of you from November and I can't believe how much you've changed physically. Your hair was so much darker and now you seem to be inheriting my strawberry blonde locks (I call you my little ginger boy, your redheaded Uncle Eddie told me that is not funny). You have filled out and you look like a perfect mix of Daddy and me. Developmentally you are a rock star, too. You are an old pro at rolling over and you pivot like a champ (I will put you in your crib to relax and come back to find you with your head at the other end of the bed). You have become a huge fan of your exersaucer and love to jump around in it. You also LOVE sitting up like a big boy in your Bumbo and will play for a long time with small toys and stuffed animals on your tray. Your favorite toy right now is a dog that sings "If You're Happy and You Know It" while its ears flap up and down but you don't pass up a good crinkle book.

Everyone in our village knows that you are the Captain of Team No Nap. A few weeks ago we hit a bout of sleep regression and my former bed time all-star has become a late-night partier. You have decided your platform is "No Naps Ever" and fight each one with vigor. Nursing and swaddling and shushing no longer work. Daddy jokes that you have finally outsmarted us. Most days it now takes about an hour to get you to nap but we're working on it. Bedtime used to be a breeze but we've hit a roadblock there, too. You now take much longer to put down and you wake up often. When I rock you now you are much more interested in swatting at my glasses or pulling on my hair or just staring at me. Some say it's the usual 5 month regression, some speculate that you are teething. Either way, we spend a lot of late nights together. It's times like these that I wish I could know what you were thinking. As tired as I am, it also breaks my heart that you are tossing and turning and having trouble finding sleep. It helps to have you near, most nights I reach over and rub your back until you fall asleep again. Sometimes I scoop you up and rock you with your head on my chest. I had said that at six months I was moving you to your own room and now I find myself clinging to you. "Maybe at 7 months...or 8? I think a year would be okay to get him into his own room and out of the crib in our room..." I promise you'll be in your own room by the time you leave for college. Maybe.

Since I quit my job and went back to freelancing to spend more time with you, I've wondered if I made the right choice. This week I was up with you most of the night and in the morning laid in bed and rubbed your back while you slept in. I knew I had made the right choice for our little family. I feel so lucky that I spend 95% of my day with you by my side. It doesn't go unrecognized to me how lucky I am that I can take you for a long walk in your stroller at 1pm on a Tuesday or that we can head over to visit GG at work on a Friday afternoon or that I can simply wrap you up in a blanket and snuggle you for hours when you refuse to nap. Even on the most trying and whiny days, I'm grateful that your dad and I get to spend the amount of time with you that we do. I can't wait for the weather to warm up so we can go on more adventures together. Someday when you are very grown up and have babies of your own, you'll know what I'm saying when I say "the days are long but the years are short." I want to make sure I make the most of this time since I've learned already that it goes by in a flash. I can't believe it's been five months since I held you in my arms for the first time.

To another month of changes, adventures, and really good snuggles. I love you, Bear.

XOXO, 

Mommy

 

A Letter to Rowan, 4 Months.

Dear Rowan,

 How has it already been FOUR months? Time keeps flying by and sometimes I find my heart already aching a little that you don't fit into most of your 0-3 month clothes and that your feet hang off the Boppy now when I feed you. You're getting so big, so strong, so old so quickly that I wish there was a pause button. 

Speaking of growing, you're officially at that stage where you are out-growing things right and left. A couple of weeks ago we packed up your infant swing and removed the napper from your bassinet. Though it's so bittersweet to see you grow too big for these things that were once too big for you, I have to say that I am in love with this age. I send Daddy photos with captions that say "I (bleeping) LOVE THIS AGE." at least once a day. You are now big and tough enough to sit in your high chair, you love to hang in the kitchen while I cook dinner. I put a few rattles and soft blocks on your tray and you are usually pretty content for at least 30 minutes. You also fit perfectly in your Bumbo and hang out beside me in the evenings while I work. You love your exersaucer, too, and usually spend an hour in the morning watching me bop around to a workout DVD while you happily kick your legs and watch your toys light up.  

You also are really getting the hang of this whole sleep thing. There have been a few nights where you've actually slept a 6 hour stretch (and I didn't know at first that you're growing out of multiple night time feedings so I was waking you up at first if you went more than a couple hours without milk...sorry about that, bub). Despite warnings that it'll create a bad habit, we've begun swaddling you for a nap or two per day and WHOA, what a difference. Most days you'll nap for at least an hour and sometimes closer to two and a half (before we were lucky to get 20 minutes out of you). I'm proud of you, and of Daddy and me too, for getting the swing of things.

This age amazes me because your little personality is shining through more and more each day. I've said it before but you really have such a great temperament and you are so much fun. Sure, you can throw a wild tantrum that makes me a little nervous for the toddler years (like when you and I were grocery shopping last weekend and you threw such a massive screaming fit that we turned around and went home without ever setting foot inside the store) but overall, you're a happy kid. You laugh now and it is the best sound in the world. You have a big belly laugh and love to be tickled. You are SO vocal now with laughing and cooing and squeaking. I love to hear you discover new sounds you can make--the other night you spent a good fifteen minutes saying "Eh, eh, eh" over and over. You melt my heart. 

 You and I have settled into our routine with Daddy working in the evening and I really love that we get so much time together. You and I listen to music and learn sign language and spend a lot of time reading piles of books in your room. I look forward to bedtime because I love that hour of calm where you and I cuddle.

On February 26, 2014 I found out I was pregnant with you. It was honestly one of the happiest days of my life and I can still remember that wave of excitement when I looked down and saw that the test said "Pregnant." When February 26, 2015 rolled around I couldn't help but get teary-eyed while snuggling you close. I waited and tried and hoped and wished for you for so long, so many years, and through so many negative tests that it felt surreal to find out you were in there. When I was seven weeks pregnant with you, I had a scary incident (a "threatened miscarriage") and rushed to the emergency room. I was terrified I would lose you. I can still feel that panic as I kept saying, "Please stay with me and I will protect you. I will give you a happy life, I will keep you safe." I maintain those promises, Bear. Every single day, I try to make sure you are happy and safe and know how loved you are. By the way you look at me and coo for my attention and snuggle up close, I feel like you know that.

Every day is an adventure and I'm looking forward to all the new experiences we have in store for us. The weather should be warming up any time now and I can't wait for daily walks in your stroller and trips to the zoo and the park and the library. Until then, I'll just keep enjoying the big PJ-wearing snuggles in front of our fireplace every evening and seeing your face when I hold you by the window and you watch the snow fall. I'm not kidding when I say life with you is magic.

XOXO,

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 3 Months.

Dear Rowan,

Last week you sailed into your third month of life and I can't even believe how quickly this is all going by. I told Daddy that it feels like you were always here and also like I just gave birth to you a few days ago. Everything is becoming routine but everything is new. You look like a different boy! Over the last four weeks you have grown longer and filled out (those cheeks are pinchable and those thighs are to live for). I look at photos from Christmas and it's crazy to me how different (and skinny!) you looked then. You are growing out of clothes and hats faster than my heart can take.

Your little personality is really starting to form and, I have to say, I'm absolutely in love. You are generally a very happy baby full of loud coos and big smiles. I have been counting the minutes until I hear you laugh for the first time because I know it'll be a big belly laugh. You are such a little morning person and it has quickly become my favorite time of day. Around 5am you begin trying to break out of your swaddle and I unwrap you to change your diaper and feed you. Afterward I let you cuddle me in bed until I get up. When I lay down to fall asleep I look forward to that hour where you and I snuggle and I watch you sleep. Last weekend I fell asleep snuggling you and I woke up to your cooing at me and smiling. It felt like you knew it was time to start a new day and you were just happy to be together.

You have officially discovered your hands, constantly chewing and wringing them out. You stick your tongue out like a little lizard and you are a spit bubble machine. You are also an old pro at holding your head up and with my help you can go from a laying position to (wobbly, bobbly) standing. I feel like you are going to scoot right past crawling and run circles around me.

I'm proud to say you have become a bedtime champion and it's almost like you recognize your routine now. At 8pm when I bring you to the bath or to your changing table (depending on the day), it seems like you have an idea that it's time for eating then snuggling then sleeping. You sleep good three hour stretches most nights (which is a dream to this mom of a cat napper!!). You have outgrown your bassinet napper and I am moving you to the bigger area of your sleeper. It makes me realize just how fast you're growing. The first night you came home I put you in that napper and you looked so itty bitty, like it could swallow you up. Now you've become too tall for it and can't sleep there comfortably. My heart aches knowing that the next big transition will be to your crib in your own room. I bet you I will sleep on the floor next to you for as long as Daddy allows it.

Speaking of transitions, Daddy's work schedule changed and now he takes care of you during the day while I work. I'm so happy that you two have a few hours of strictly guy time and it melts me to come downstairs to find you both napping or to overhear him singing to you while he changes your diaper.  You and I are on our own for the afternoon and evening now, which took some adjusting to, but I'm kind of loving it. After Daddy leaves you and I do our daily sign language lesson (I am rocking it, you have little interest at this point), sing songs, read books, do tummy time, and play in your room. You're becoming more independent and you are happy to sit in your bouncy seat in the kitchen while I make dinner. I hold up all the vegetables and tell you what they are and when you'll be able to try them. I kind of can't wait for you to have tofu for the first time and see if you love blueberries and watch you taste a lemon.

You are getting old enough for adventures. For the first time ever, I took you in the car by myself a couple of weeks ago (I was too afraid before). Our world has opened up! Last week I packed you up and we drove out to my hometown to visit your Great Grandma at the beauty shop she owns. We visited and the ladies loved on you and it made my heart swell to see how loved you are and hear everyone say how much your GG brags about you and how proud she is of you. It was also quite a trip driving you past my old elementary school and by the house I grew up in. I can't wait for the weather to warm up to see what other mischief you and I can get into. We also started planning your very first vacation to Florida this summer to see Uncle Patrick and Auntie Alley--I'm so excited to take you to the beach and Harry Potter World and help you collect sea shells.

You had your first sleepover at Gramma and Grandpa's house this weekend and you were a champ. They reported lots of playing and you slept like an angel. I missed you so much throughout the night (I even had a dream you were stirring and when I woke up I had your pacifier in my hand) but I'm proud that you did such a great job. It makes me excited for your future sleepovers when they can take you sledding and to see movies and make crafts with you. Gramma also gave you the Cabbage Patch doll I got for Christmas in 1985. I named her Molly, but feel free to change it. I hope you love her as much as I have, There's something very magical about giving you the special toys that I loved so much as a kid.

You are at the age where you are changing every. single. day. I'm excited to see your personality continue to develop and I'm trying my best to cherish every day since I'm realizing just how fast all of this happens--I looked at a photo of you from a few hours after you were born and I felt a little pang in my heart. You were so tiny, so delicate, so new.As you napped on my chest yesterday I watched your little chest move up and down with your breath and your little fingers softly twitch in your sleep. I got misty eyed thinking that before I know it you'll be a big boy who doesn't fit so easily in my arms. I promise, though, I will always have a hug and a snuggle for you.

Baby Bear, you are my tiniest best friend and the person I love to spend my days with. I would do anything for you and I hope I'm making good on the promises I made you while you were in my belly to ensure you had the happiest life possible. Daddy and I love you so much and I'm serious when I say every day with you is such a gift (even when you are a bear). 

Looking forward to the minutes, days, and months ahead. I love you, Robo Boy. 

XOXO, 

Mommy

A Letter to Rowan, 2 Months.

Dear Rowan,

Originally I had set out to write these letters to you every single month of your life. I was going to start composing the first when we got home from the hospital and then add to it as we learned more about one another. But I was so busy soaking in every minute with you (and, honestly, a little sleep deprived) and I didn't find a minute to put together a letter when you turned one month. I promise this won't be the only time I disappoint you.

So, here we are at two months and life with you is indescribable. I know every mom thinks their baby is the best baby but, dude, you are THE best baby. Unless your tummy hurts, your tears are easily stopped with a tight snuggle, some milk, or gentle shushing (you love to be shushed...I promise you will outgrow that and sometimes I feel rude doing it to you). You are not a sleeper, you prefer lots of tiny naps and you have quite the little appetite. You were born at 7.6 pounds and 19.5 inches, now you are 10.11 pounds and 22.5 inches! You are a big, growing boy and I am so proud of how strong you are. You hold your head up like a champ and I have a feeling you are going to be attempting to crawl much before you should. 

Your village, as I like to call our family and friends, love you so much. Jackie asks to hold you immediately when you two are in the same room and gently whispers little things to you. "You are my cousin. I love you. You are a little baby." Charlie drew you a picture just because and it hangs on our fridge. Gavin and Tyler love to hold you, too, and give you lots of kisses. For Christmas they surprised you with a Build-a-Bear (the one in the picture above) named Rex...seriously, how cute is that for my Babysaurus? They each have the same teddy bear, theirs are weathered from years of cuddles and I can't wait to see yours grow up with you too. Grandma and Grandpa are already planning for your first sleepover and a summer of fun with you. Your aunties and uncles spoil you rotten. I can't even list everyone who does special things for you. You are so, so loved.

You also met Santa this Christmas and someday I'll tell you who that actually was and how special that moment was. Your first Christmas was magical in that you were a-okay with being passed around and fawned over. You were alert and enjoyed the extra cuddles.

Your daily smiles and coos are plentiful and I can't wait to hear you laugh for the first time. Your happiest time of day is early in the morning. You and I usually wake up around 5am, I feed you, and then change your diaper while you coo. I get you dressed--one of my favorite things ever--and you usually kick around and make happy sounds while I sing you silly songs. Things that usually guarantee a smile: goofy faces, when mommy lightly tickles your belly, when mommy and daddy sing crazy songs in weird voices, and when we pretend to eat your feet. You could take or leave Violet's kisses but love to watch her throw her toys around the room and she's incredibly protective of you. You could also lay on your changing pad and stare at your animal mobile for hours (best $4 at IKEA I ever spent).

Up until this week you were sleeping in our bed at night but I decided I needed to get you into your bassinet and started training you. I was so worried about making the transition but you are handling it with ease. I miss having you sleep on my chest but I know this is what's best for us (plus I still steal you for cuddly naps during the day). Your bedtime routine is one of my absolute favorite times of day. At 9pm when do a bath or wipe you down with a warm cloth, do a gentle massage, put on cuddly jammies, and then you and I go upstairs so you can eat. Afterward you get swaddled, Daddy says goodnight to you and turns out the light, and I rock you to sleep with a whole lotta shushing. You used to hate being swaddled, and you still fight it at first, but once you settle into it you relax. It makes me realize how you are growing and changing everyday and it makes me all melty inside.

 Two nights ago you slept for four hours in a row--your longest stretch ever--in your bassinet and I was so proud of you. I'm still proud of you. Every toot and smile and sneeze and grasp of my finger makes me proud of you. I never knew it was possible to be so in love with someone. 

Your bond with Daddy is growing every single day and my heart grows three sizes every time I watch the two of you play and when I hear him call you buddy and bubba and baby boy. When he gets home from work the two of you have cuddle time while Daddy unwinds from his work day. Also, you have a billion nicknames (Ro, RoRo, Robo Cop, Robot, RoboBoy, Bubba, Bubba Bear, Baby Bear, seriously a billion). I'm sure that the older you get the more embarrassing you'll think our many nicknames are but isn't that what parents are supposed to do?

I love you more and more everyday and I can't wait to see what the month ahead brings. 

XOXO, 

Mommy