Thoughts on Thirty.

How gorgeous was my 30th birthday cake?

I turned 30 yesterday. 3-0. It is bananas. I guess I've never really thought of myself as a "real" adult before because I still feel like an awkward teenager so much of the time. But now I'm entering this new decade with somewhat fresh eyes and more determination than ever to make my life what I want it to be. 

For the last month or so, I've really been regretting things I did and didn't do in my twenties. I found myself beating myself down about chances not taken, trips not taken, friends not kept (or kept too long in a couple situations), career paths forgotten, dreams not chased, and everything else. I don't believe in having no regrets, but at the same time I can't focus on the things I would change. I had all these visions of myself at 30: put together, skinny, a perfect mom with a perfect house. I'm not really those things. My house is a disaster, I'm chubby, I often doubt my own parenting, I make mistakes but I'm happy and I'm learning. I'm not beating myself up because I'm not perfect. Every day I'm learning how to be the person I want to be and live the life I want to live. Me and my life aren't perfect, but they are pretty fucking great. 

Some goals I'm bringing with me into this new decade:

Make Space for Good, Not for Blah

This is a constant goal, working toward make my life 95% full of wonderful, positive things and people that I love with only 5% of the obligations that I'm not that into. I'm learning to say no to projects if they don't seem right for me, to carve out time for people who make me a better person, and generally choosing to do the thing I love over the thing I dread whenever humanly possible. 

Get Organized

 I'm trying my best to get things in order with my house, my career, this blog, our finances, and the like. I have to do lists upon to do lists that will help me to organize everything. I used to be so great with keeping everything in check but then, you know, work and new motherhood. When things are in order, I feel more at peace so this is vital. I think once my house isn't so daunting I may actually, *GASP*, love it again.

Keep the Healthy Momentum Going

 I've been doing a lot of research and reading about nutrition in an effort to create the healthiest diet for me. I'm continuing on this track to make sure my family and I are eating the most nutritious diet possible (with treats and indulgences here and there, too). I'm hoping to get back in the habit of making things from scratch and cooking really healthy dinners every night. 

 

Do All the Things

I have a terrible habit of pushing things off that I really do want to do. I always make an excuse to not plan a trip or buy that really bright dress or make those complicated cookies. I want to stop just "pinning" things and actually start doing them. One of my greatest regrets is that I've made excuses or procrastinated on doing things that I really wanted to, I'm working hard to leave this regret in my twenties.

But Give Myself Some Wiggle Room

I'm done with the "busy wars" where everyone has to shout from the roof tops how TOTALLY CRAZY STRESSFUL AND BUSY LIFE IS. I'm totally guilty but it's not a competition and business is no prize. I'm learning that it's a-okay to take one night a week after the baby is asleep to skip chores and read a book instead. Relaxation is just as important as productivity. 

So here's to my thirties, I'm diving in with big plans and making more and more positive changes. Cheers to 30 years!

A Letter to Rowan, 11 Months.

Dear Rowan,

Boy! In one month you will be ONE YEARS OLD. How? How did time fly by so quickly? I will save the teary, mushy look back at the day you are born for November 3 but trust me that I find myself thinking back to it almost daily. My teeny tiny newborn (who still lived in my belly this time last year!) is now a little boy with likes and dislikes and personality for days.

Oh, you are such a personality! You are loud in the best way and you laugh a lot. You still love to say Dada and you blow raspberries and raise your arms for So Big! You give the best high fives and wave your arms when we say "Yoooohooo!" You are still quite an eater and love almost everything we give you. Blueberries, pineapple, bananas, peas, and spaghetti top your list though. You also are showing more of your preferences--you light up for certain things that you love and dislike others. You are a BIG fan of Doc McStuffins (we think you have a crush, which means you have excellent taste and hello? she's a doctor!), Murray Monster on Sesame Street, your Baby Signing Time DVDs, Mommy, Daddy, and Kira the cat. You still bring your little Toothless stuffed animal everywhere and your small Cookie Monster stuffy usually goes to bed with you to snuggle.

You are moving and shaking! You are zooming all over the house and pulling yourself up on everything. I think you're going to be walking very soon because you try so hard and you have such determination.

You started signing! You mostly sign for more and (sometimes) please. You had to sign sorry a couple when you were being naughty (you made Jackie cry by knocking over his Lego tower!). I also pretended your toy remote was a phone one time and now you constantly hold it up to your ear. It's amazing to me what a little sponge you are. I try to remind myself of that and set good examples for you every day. On that thought, you and I did the Out of the Darkness Walk for suicide awareness in honor of some friends and family we've lost over the years. It was a bittersweet event and hurt my heart to see other families who have suffered too, but I was glad to spend that day with you showing you that time and strength heal you.

Bedtime was becoming a very stressful struggle and it pains me to say I had to start letting you "cry it out." I found a gentle way to do this but dang, it breaks my heart. I know it's best for you in the long run but it's so difficult to hear you cry and not run to you immediately and hold you tightly. Bedtime is getting better little by little and I have to remind myself that motherhood is about balance and teaching you to be independent. 

Here's to another month of love and laughter and raspberries and high fives. You are my favorite favorite and the light of every day. I can't believe you'll be ONE next time I write you a letter!

I love you more than anything, Bear.

XOXO, 

Mommy