A Letter to Rowan, 4 Months.

Dear Rowan,

 How has it already been FOUR months? Time keeps flying by and sometimes I find my heart already aching a little that you don't fit into most of your 0-3 month clothes and that your feet hang off the Boppy now when I feed you. You're getting so big, so strong, so old so quickly that I wish there was a pause button. 

Speaking of growing, you're officially at that stage where you are out-growing things right and left. A couple of weeks ago we packed up your infant swing and removed the napper from your bassinet. Though it's so bittersweet to see you grow too big for these things that were once too big for you, I have to say that I am in love with this age. I send Daddy photos with captions that say "I (bleeping) LOVE THIS AGE." at least once a day. You are now big and tough enough to sit in your high chair, you love to hang in the kitchen while I cook dinner. I put a few rattles and soft blocks on your tray and you are usually pretty content for at least 30 minutes. You also fit perfectly in your Bumbo and hang out beside me in the evenings while I work. You love your exersaucer, too, and usually spend an hour in the morning watching me bop around to a workout DVD while you happily kick your legs and watch your toys light up.  

You also are really getting the hang of this whole sleep thing. There have been a few nights where you've actually slept a 6 hour stretch (and I didn't know at first that you're growing out of multiple night time feedings so I was waking you up at first if you went more than a couple hours without milk...sorry about that, bub). Despite warnings that it'll create a bad habit, we've begun swaddling you for a nap or two per day and WHOA, what a difference. Most days you'll nap for at least an hour and sometimes closer to two and a half (before we were lucky to get 20 minutes out of you). I'm proud of you, and of Daddy and me too, for getting the swing of things.

This age amazes me because your little personality is shining through more and more each day. I've said it before but you really have such a great temperament and you are so much fun. Sure, you can throw a wild tantrum that makes me a little nervous for the toddler years (like when you and I were grocery shopping last weekend and you threw such a massive screaming fit that we turned around and went home without ever setting foot inside the store) but overall, you're a happy kid. You laugh now and it is the best sound in the world. You have a big belly laugh and love to be tickled. You are SO vocal now with laughing and cooing and squeaking. I love to hear you discover new sounds you can make--the other night you spent a good fifteen minutes saying "Eh, eh, eh" over and over. You melt my heart. 

 You and I have settled into our routine with Daddy working in the evening and I really love that we get so much time together. You and I listen to music and learn sign language and spend a lot of time reading piles of books in your room. I look forward to bedtime because I love that hour of calm where you and I cuddle.

On February 26, 2014 I found out I was pregnant with you. It was honestly one of the happiest days of my life and I can still remember that wave of excitement when I looked down and saw that the test said "Pregnant." When February 26, 2015 rolled around I couldn't help but get teary-eyed while snuggling you close. I waited and tried and hoped and wished for you for so long, so many years, and through so many negative tests that it felt surreal to find out you were in there. When I was seven weeks pregnant with you, I had a scary incident (a "threatened miscarriage") and rushed to the emergency room. I was terrified I would lose you. I can still feel that panic as I kept saying, "Please stay with me and I will protect you. I will give you a happy life, I will keep you safe." I maintain those promises, Bear. Every single day, I try to make sure you are happy and safe and know how loved you are. By the way you look at me and coo for my attention and snuggle up close, I feel like you know that.

Every day is an adventure and I'm looking forward to all the new experiences we have in store for us. The weather should be warming up any time now and I can't wait for daily walks in your stroller and trips to the zoo and the park and the library. Until then, I'll just keep enjoying the big PJ-wearing snuggles in front of our fireplace every evening and seeing your face when I hold you by the window and you watch the snow fall. I'm not kidding when I say life with you is magic.

XOXO,

Mommy