Plus Sized Pregnancy....GULP.

My first public "bump shot" with the statue of a baby giraffe because, why not?

 Pregnant ladies: cute, glowing, not an ounce of unruly fat aside from the basketball-sized bump, wearing shorts or bikinis without a care...right?

Yeah, in posters and in the media and even sometimes in real life BUT not me. Nope.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was elated (still am, don't worry) but still really mentally beat myself up about not getting to, or even remotely near, my "goal weight" before pregnancy. I've tried to eliminate this from my thoughts because at the point I can't go back in time, lose the weight, and then get pregnant again so I've just tried to shift focus to eating healthy (...minus a few hundred cravings for ice cream cones...) and worrying about my vanity later. I have always had this fantasy that by the time I got knocked up I'd be fit and in shape, still taking barre classes with my basketball bump, and wearing cute shorts and tank tops.

Then yesterday Rhyno and I went shopping for maternity jeans and that cold bitch reality shook me by the shoulders and branded "FATTY" on my forehead. 

I've managed to get though the first now 19 weeks of my pregnancy without a complete upheaval of my wardrobe, only buying a few pairs of maternity leggings for lounging around the house and two stretchier sweaters. But the time has come, I have a real baby bump (and not just a "fat bump" as I kept worrying I had before) and my old pants are just not comfortable. We headed out pick up some jeans, dresses, and comfy t-shirts for mom-to-be yesterday morning, I was so excited! I love new clothes! 

Old Navy had exactly one pair of maternity jeans big enough to fit over my hips. After searching the shelves full of pants seeing "2, 4, 6, 8" and nothing for me I did it. I burst into tears and started ugly crying about how apparently women who were already fat before getting pregnant aren't allowed to feel cute or even have remotely cute clothing. Rhyno calmed me down and we walked out with one single t-shirt. We headed to Target where there was also ONE pair of my size maternity jeans. I pointed to the poster of a pregnant woman in shorts an a tunic and whined, "THAT! That's what I should look like, not this fat cellulite-ly mess like I do! And it's all my fault!" 

I have a terrible habit of not caring if I cause a scene around strangers.

After resigning myself to the one pair of jeans, Rhyno took me into and an empty aisle. "I know you're upset but you are beautiful. You are doing a good job." Then he made a bunch of comments about how I could wear shorts around the house "for him" and wiggling his eyebrows. Pervy twist to the conversation aside, it knocked some sense into me that this is not a time in my life where I should be wasting energy on fat thoughts. I've had late night anxiety attacks thinking that I have already risked my baby's healthy by not losing the weight before conceiving him or her. "Pasta and wine were more important than a healthy baby because I'm such a selfish person." The funny thing? I've only gained about 4 pounds so far and now I obsess that I'm not gaining enough (the doc says we're doing just fine and all looks healthy). I think the best thing I can do now is just to chill out and, for once in my life, let go of the fat thoughts for real.

So. I'm embracing it. This is my body. As long as the baby is healthy and I'm healthy, it's okay that I don't have a pregnant body like Mila Kunis or Rachel Bilson. I'm taking care of myself and my baby and trying not to stress about not fitting my pre-pregnancy dream of what I'm supposed to look like. I'm taking bump photos (and posting them!), I'm working with the clothing I have (and maybe even making some myself!), and--most importantly--I'm trying to remind myself about how beautiful this time in my life is and how beautiful I am.

Any tips for dressing a plus sized body with a bump?